Love Me Hate Me

“Someecards, this guy is not funny, he’s a crude, angry, self-pitying, jerk. Your cards used to be pretty humorous, now I see why in the last year they’ve gone so downhill.” -Enobie

“He spelled “holes” as “wholes.” I wouldn’t hire him based on his blatant disregard for correct spelling. Oh, and he capitalizes words where they shouldn’t be capitalized.” -I have a job

I have a job:
“To the guy with the very unconventional name “I have a job”: listen, I spelled “holes” that way because of a very good reason. When I wrote this, I was legitimately pissed off. Unfortunately, grammar and spelling went out the window that day when I literally threw my dictionary and thesaurus out of the motherfucking window.
Please send me your address so I know where to send the numerous awards and trophies I owe you for pointing out that mistake. You sir, are a grammatical god, and I sacrifice many animals in your name, especially endangered ones because those will get me the sweetest condo in your paradise afterlife.

Many people have pointed that out, so I do hope you send me your address so I can send you something. One day you’ll walk out of your house and see a dead horse being beaten over and over on your front lawn(get it? probably not). You’ll say,”oh my god, who is the fucked up person that would send me something like this?!?.”

This person, that’s who.

Truly, I am sorry. I have let down America’s public education system. I have let down America’s people. I have let down democracy. The terrorists have won.

Their plot to make something with unacceptable grammar and spelling popular on the internet has succeeded, and the American public will soon all see my resume and think such grammar is acceptable. That’s the devious part. The terrorists now patiently wait years for the American people to start talking in terrible grammar until no one can understand each other, and America is thrown into absolute chaos. The government collapses, and the terrorists move in and instill a horrible government with raping and demons!

Thank you! YOU can stop them, “I have a job”. You have pointed out the error and must spread word of it to the American people so they have no interest in seeing my article so they can’t be turned into babbling zombie fleshbags!

GO “I have a job,” YOU MUST GO!!!”

“Is Steve your “real” name?” -Slap Chop

Slap Chop:
“Steve is my real name. I’m glad I could solve that mystery without the aid of three hippies, a girl no one wanted to sleep with, and their expensive-to-feed dog.”

SteveYEAH,
I just did a “lunchtime search” on you name and there are a number of reasons you are not getting interviews and/or jobs. First, go back and clean up your blogs. Negative comments about previous employers or jobs you’ve done? That resume winds up in the circular file. Second, fix your social networking sites. Employers look there, too. Have debts and not paying? Better work on that too. Employers check more then just you criminal history now. You say you’ll give a blow job but won’t bother working at McDonalds or Walmart. Maybe you feel that work is beneath you but that shows a potential employer you’re willing to do what it takes to get a job done. If you’ve burnt any bridges with previous employers, do what you need to do to mend those relationships. Employers actually check work history. Finally, you’re frustrated. Ok. Everyone is frustrated. Don’t show that, though, when you apply for a job or at the interview. You said it yourself. You’re competing against “Miss Freeby Intern” for that position. You need to convince the employer that you are worth the money. You need to show them you will have a better attitude and are easier to work with then any intern. About 10% of the population is competing for the jobs that are out the so you need to show that you are better then all the them besides just skill level. Each time you don’t get the job, look to see what you can do to make you more “sellable” to the employer and try again. And, if you lost the job due to a disability, the Americans With Disabilities Act make that illegal and you need to report them. Now, you have two choices. Fix the things that are preventing you from getting the job or you can continue to blast your “unhirable” attitude on the Internet and possible blast me in a reply. If you decide to do the latter, well, that’s one more job opening for those that are willing to make the change. -Friendly Advise

Friendly Advise:
To all my defending crusaders, stand back, I will handle this one. No sense in innocent commenters getting their feelings hurt accidentally.
Friendly Advise, my blogs are filled with sentence enhancers because that’s what the people want. The constitution is filled with them, and if you take them away, there goes half of the content. Half of the constitution gone because you just wanted to “clean it up”. Also, who doesn’t have negative comments about their past employers? That’s why they’re past employers! Say whatever you want! It’s like an ex-girlfriend, only you don’t have sex with your past employers(unless your past employment was in porn or the show Mad Men). And what the hell is a circular file? Is that a clever little alternative name for trash can? A file in a circular shape would be impractical and therefore fail on today’s market. You don’t have one.

This one fuels my rage rocket: “You say you’ll give a blowjob but won’t bother working at McDonalds or Walmart.” You know who else says that? Everyone one fucking else. Think about the piles of failed genetics you would have to deal with everyday, dodging hoverrounds(the poor man’s Segway) and homeless people(just the worst!). A trained fallacio expert could pump out(pun very intended) 10 beejers an hour, and I know its true because I just updated the “trained fallacio expert” page on wikipedia with that statistic to make it valid. Remember, it doesn’t have to be true, more people just have to believe it than everyone else. Plus, to “show any employer I’ll do whatever it takes to get a job done” is usually followed by one anyway.

So Friendly Advise, I just did a “brunch time” search on you. Know what I got? “Did you mean, Friendly Advice?”

I think he did mean that Google, I think he did mean that.

Although I found this entertaining, and it did make me giggle a bit, your “problem” is not isolated to just you. My husband was laid off more than 18 months ago and is still unable to find employment. This is the first time since he was 15 years old, that he has been out of work for more than two weeks. We have been struggling nonstop since his layoff, looking at the possibility of homelessness several times. As if the constant empty inbox of his email wasn’t bad enough, he is also being told by many that he is over qualified, AND he has been passed up numerous times to fill positions with high school students. We have four children to care for here, and even though I sympathize with what you are going through, perhaps you should be out physically looking for work instead of mocking potential employers.

Good luck on your journey to employment. -Sward

Sward:
I’m sorry to hear about your problem, but have you heard about high school students these days? One kid built a car! A fucking CAR! Then there’s these two kids that really piss me off because they sent a camera into space. SPACE?! Yes, THE space. Now they have pictures of Earth taken from space in their rooms so they can invite friends over and go, “Oh that? Yeah I took that picture of Earth, its no big deal. I mean it is. I’m a fucking genius.” So don’t feel bad, just stop having children and the problem will go away.

Your last bit is exactly why I don’t go out and look for work. You imply that “looking for work” is a “journey to employment”. Now, the only journey I know of involves four hobbits, a dwarf, and Orlando Bloom. I’m not prepared for that shit. There were ghost kings flying demon dragons that would annoyingly scream at you, like a billion orcs, foliage that threw rocks at buildings, a spider the size of a rhinoceros, and that Tales from the Crypt guy got naked and followed everyone around. All of that for a 9 to 5 wage slave position? Fuck that.

I’ll keep sending my resume through email. Less orcs on the internet.

Hey, SteveYEAH, did you ever think maybe you’re not getting calls back because you’re FULL OF RAGE? Your letter was funny and I’m glad you posted on CL for our entertainment, but your rage-filled responses to the comments on this website provide some insight as to why you are still unemployed. Don’t blame other people because you’re unemployable. Who wants a snarky angry mofo sitting at their front desk, acting as the face of their company?? -Ruby

Steve, you are my new hero. -Deanna

If you were to start a blog with a rant like this once a week, I would read that fucker as soon as it updated. Your spelling or grammar wouldn’t phase me- after all, you have laser eyes and invented the moon- who needs spelling when you have credentials like that? -Anna

You may be the king of snark, Steve. I’d not only read your (theoretical) blog , I would damn well hire you if I had need for an admin assistant. I may start a business just so I can. -Delicious

Marry me Mr Madonna!!! freaking brilliant!! -walker of the earth

marry me, please -this girl

I would just like to say…. this is the funniest shit I have ever fucking seen…Steve, will you marry me? -Bea Sauce

You are absoutely hilarious! I needed that laugh today! -lori1201

Steve, you need to look into jobs as a junior copywriter at an ad agency. Serious -calvinklein76

This is, as they say in China, Fukien genius. Go Steve!!! -Funksploitation

I peed in my pants when I read this. When are you going to reimburse me for cost of said pants? -Emmerlee

Steve OMG I don’t care about your grammar, you are a funny…so funny in fact that I almost died. You are awesome and shouldn’t settle for some desk job. Do some writing or comedy or wrestle midgets. SHIT I’ll hire you just to make me laugh…and perhaps frighten the neighbor children. You made the probability of me hanging myself with my own hair less likley -Erica