"They came down a pile of jam sandwiches."

Can I explain it? Even when I read the article attached to it, no…no I can’t.  But I can guess. Apparently a middle eastern goblin is unsatisfied with the jam sandwiches provided to him by a Pilgrim and makes the grave mistake of tossing them on the floor in disrespect because the Pilgrim has a sword.

glomcorp.com

When your state is close to being the next Indiana, you have two options:

1. Perhaps try and fix the state.

2. Trick people into visiting it, and when they are disappointed, it is already too late. You have their money.

Well, Michigan figured that they would try and leave it to the people to improve conditions there which was a bad idea because they instead decided to donate $67,436 to have someone build a statue of RoboCop in Detroit so the natural wildlife which now runs the city has something cool to look at. Realizing their population is as good with money as their state government, they were left with no choice but to go with #2:  Advertising…because nothing says “we don’t need your help” like the sign above that pretty much says, “Michigan, the only way out is kayaking to Canada.” As an advertising connoisseur, I pulled up this Pure Michigan ad campaign and saw the second billboard in the series that is supposed to go right after the one above:

For more ads they don’t want you to see, check out the real truth behind Living Social, Quaker Oats and the Unicef campaign.

On June 12^th, 1942, Anne Frank was given a diary for her thirteenth birthday, presumably because she drops a lot of shit, and you can’t destroy a diary by dropping it unless the place it is dropped is currently on fire. She unknowingly wrote one of the most important depictions of the frightening life of being a Jew during one of the darkest times in mankind’s history. This important diary was then given to every sophomore in high school, who then donated it to the nearby dumpster behind school where they smoke pot they bought from the janitor. But even they learned something about Anne Frank:

She was really fucking good at hide and seek. That is, until the Nazis came by the building they were hiding in and saw that the adjacent building already had their Christmas decorations up(earlier every goddamn year). The Nazis, trying to be nice, entered the building and insisted that they put their Christmas decorations up as well to send a message to their asshole neighbors(and that message was, “My ego is measured by my electricity bill, and its a big fucking bill”). Nazis love Christmas, and they love to help. When they went up to the attic though, their eyes were stunned. They had one beautiful attic. All other attics were shit compared to the beautiful workmanship of this fine storage space. Oh, and there were Jews hiding up there. The Nazis hate Jews(but c’mon, everyone hates some group of people, like my hate for Greenpeace). “This shit ain’t Kosher,” said Jim the Nazi(despite the fact that they actually were). The rest is history, unbeknownst to sophomore high school students though.

So let’s celebrate the glorious day that Anne Frank turned thirteen and used her birthday present to chronicle the longest game of hide and go seek before Osama Bin Laden pretty much decided to walk into that little girl’s room and steal the trophy right off her shelf(presumably then placing it next to his trophy for most 9/11′s caused(side note: he had someone accept the award on his behalf because, you know, he was the most wanted person in the world(side note 2: besides Natalie Portman, of course))).

So hot, its illegal.

You played one hardcore game of hide and go seek, persuading others around the globe to piss off America and try to top your record. So, in other words, Anne Frank caused 9/11. On this day, thank her for the gratuitous pat downs at the airport, America’s hate towards anyone brown, President Bush getting elected for a second term, the entire Middle East conflict, the abolishment of even the idea of individual privacy, and much, much more.

On this day, remember what Anne Frank did to our country.

Chauvinist Bird President knows everything about the world. Therefore, he will regularly appear to continue a billion year-long argument that no other countries should exist besides the United States of America. It’s a feature I call, “Real History with Our Chauvinist Bird President.” This week, he’ll enlighten us with the real story of America’s discovery.

America was the best discovery the world has ever known. The only problem was that some people refused to let us make it better: greedy Native Americans. For centuries they loafed around, getting high and dressing inappropriately until someone decided that it was time for them to clean up their selfish acts or get the fuck out. Who was that person? Well that’s a stupid question because you know damn well that it was George Washington. People don’t know this because as children, our teachers pour us bowl after bowl of bullshit-o’s.

High in fiber, but low in vitamin truth.

The discovery of America brings to mind pilgrims, the Mayflower, and some fictional rock(more like Fibbith Rock, am I right?). The real story was that Washington first lived around 65 million years ago. God decided that the dinosaurs had it too good for too long, but what God didn’t expect was that before he could even think of the perfect dinosaur-genocide-machine, George simply exploded into existence right above where Washington D.C. would have been on the super-continent Pangea. Upon his first few seconds on Earth, volcanos exploded, comets rained down from the sky, and a tidal wave of pure hate(and some water) raped the land. His work was done in like 14 seconds. Everything was dead. He then turned his finger to the sky and yelled to God, “Leave this place! You are not needed here!” God was all like, “Cool,” and he exploded too. With his work finished, ‘ol George laid down and awaited his 65 million year slumber.

So, when Native Americans(which is a false description of them because George Washington is technically the only Native American) decided to dance around on drugs and have sex with buffalo, he was understandably pissed off. Completely fossilized underground, he clawed his way through solid rock and emerged to the surface. He could have just appeared there, but he needed a good warmup after 65 million years of sleep. Upon surfacing, he saw them. They didn’t appreciate his gifts. Washington allowed buffalo to exist so his children could eat, not to have sex with them. He let forests grow so his children could cut them down for fun, not to respect them. But worst of all, they were not sufficiently covering their genitals. Their (inferior to Washington’s)shafts were whipping around, left and right, up and down….just staring him in the eye. No one stares Washington in the eye, especially someone’s ugly DNA gun.

He cursed them all with impotence, as it was funnier than simply killing them all. For years he simply strutted around, gathering enough of his genetic material to play Johnny Appleseed when they all died and turned into ash. This posed a problem. There was ash everywhere. Well, Washington collected all of the ash and threw it into space. The ash particles orbited around Earth and eventually turned into the moon. So it was finally time to start America. He threw his seed all over the land and on July 4^th, 1776, Americans grew from the very ground in which he slumbered and America was born.

So don’t believe propaganda like “Pocohontas” and history books. Come to this segment weekly for some goddamn truth.

Sincerely,

Chauvinist Bird President

Today it is June, arguably the worst month for holidays. With Memorial Day over and July 4th out of reach, all we have to look forward to is…

14th Flag Day: Started in 1916 by Woodrow Wilson when he woke up and proclaimed, “No one respects the goddamn flag anymore,” this day celebrates the adoption of the U.S. Flag and the anniversary of my rejection letter from the U.S. Government when I submitted my idea for a new flag:

Alternate Title: "America, because fuck Europe"

19th Father’s Day: The prequel to July 4th, only less fun. Like the 4th though, a father spends hours in front of a dangerous flame cooking half a bison to feed the unappreciative children he probably didn’t even father. Yeah, thanks for the 39 cent card you bought at Walgreens an hour ago falsely leading me to believe there is money inside(which would be nice because I just bought a fucking bison). Instead, turn the tables on THEM by wrapping up a bunch of garbage and giving it to your children as a present. When they open it and it spills all over the place, yell at them and throw in a nice, “Now clean this shit up,” like a real father and moonwalk out of there like a boss.

21st Summer Begins: Summer technically starts on the 21st despite my measuring system that has summer beginning about two weeks ago when apartment stoops all over Chicago are hit by a plague of unwelcome guests. That’s right…whiny white kids from the suburbs playing acoustic guitar outside because everyone totally wants to hear the latest social commentary you provide in the songs by your band, the We-All-Still-File-As-Dependents-On-Our-Taxes. WAS FADOOT will be at every coffee shop in the world on open mic night, ready to stand up and fight society’s problems as long as a potential sex partner is watching.

So its agreed. All of these holidays are as awesome as the discovery of cancer-aids. What are we to do about it? Coffee shop activism can only go so far. Well, over the next two weeks, I’ll propose a few holidays. You will vote, and I will send handwritten letters to elected officials requesting the adoption of said holiday.

Or be a real patriot and don’t vote.

This is the reason why I don’t have advertising on my site. I prefer straight forward advertisements as opposed to beating around the bush(or the lack of one in the case of this ad). I really have no choice but to continue my war against advertisements that refuse to tell you what they’re ultimately saying:

Only 47 more.

Have you ever been to a family restaurant and been approached by a balloon twister? We provide those balloon twisters to over 400 restaurants each month around the country(including the Chicago Area), and we’re adding to our Chicago Area team.

We are currently in DuPage and Will counties but are expanding to all counties within the next few months. ***We need twisters in the 773 & 708 area codes

Yes, its a real job, and its probably the most fun you’ll ever have making money! No experience necessary. We will train!

Applicants must
-Must have a car
-Like kids
-Any Improv or acting is a plus
-Have a criminal-free background

RESPONSE:

Balloon Man,

I can’t believe the opportunity for this job is finally available. My family and I experienced one of these balloon wizards at TGI Friday’s despite the fact that it was tuesday. My family was very pissed off, but I saw the magic in it. I would like to harness this magic and use it to make $10 an hour.

A background check is completely fine as I was found innocent on several charges for insufficient evidence(I can’t believe they didn’t find it yet!). You have nothing to worry about as I am not a convicted criminal offender. I never took any improv or acting classes because would you? Have you seen the piles of failed genetics that take those classes? I did myself a favor and stayed far, far away from them. You know where those people are now? They’re dead. Every one of them was beaten to death in fights because their voices and mime impersonations pushed one man too far(and that man was assumably not convicted if we have the same lawyer).

You say I must have reliable transportation but also that my transportation be by car. You know what I think when I hear reliable transportation? Horse. That’s right! I am the number one activist pushing for horse lanes, and that hay be accessible at all refueling stations across the country. I love my horse and so will the kids when I kick down the fucking door to the restaurant and ride it straight into the main dining room. No one will dare look away as I perform my feats of balloon wizardry upon a snarling horse(or they are next to be twisted). 708 reporting in sir! What is my territory? Who owns this turf now, and what would be the best time to start the balloon twister turf war? Ok, we just need to think like CJ from GTA: San Andreas. His turf is always under attack, yet he keeps his cool. He would probably roll up in that neighborhood and start twistin’ ‘loons(thug for balloons) like no gentleman’s business. When I’m done sir, we won’t just have 773 and 708, but we’ll start taking 815, 847, and 630 as well. We’ll take them all and even put them all under ONE area code! I can see what you are doing here sir. This is bigger than just balloons(also bigger pay because I’m going to need to buy some guns), and I realize it. I am your man. I too am annoyed by many different area codes. 6-3-0 has to 6-3-GO!(new protest sign) I am with you so take my hand…

…off to balloonland.

With Secrecy,
Steve Madonna

And, as always, it comes back to George Washington and something really badass that he did(and it involves Christmas and a river). ”Some people go out of their way to defend our rights to not care. George Fucking Washington crossed a river in the middle of winter on a piece of shit boat to kill people in their sleep on Christmas. Why? To defend an America where no one will be asked to help others on their way to buy a 12 dollar cup of coffee from starbucks. Some people might think of me as a hypocrite for protesting the protesters, but I have another word for it…patriot.”

I’m dedicated to take this scum off the street. They steal money from you and are worse than homeless goblins(because c’mon, he’s homeless AND a goblin…gotta give him at least a dollar).

There’s really nothing else to say about this…well, there is. It makes sense. A LOT of sense. First off, most of our agriculture comes from california and the midwest, so I figure we get rid of a lot of states, and california and illinois will be able to provide enough for the United States of Sensibility. The rest of the midwest has to go. Have you ever been to Indiana? Of course you haven’t. You would have committed suicide already. Plus, the only good thing to come out of the dirty south was Oscar-winning Three Six Mafia. They’re rich now, so you know they have since moved out of the quarantine area. Don’t worry, they’re safe.

The “One Big National Park” will bring in tons of revenue, and we’ll hire all the current inhabitants to maintain the park. They live in the forest and mountains, so they’re probably poor and will be happy to have jobs(I know I would). Some people might disagree with the part we give back to Mexico(and most likely disagree with the entire map), but most of it is a desert wasteland anyway, and it will take care of the Mormon problem(#2 problem next to immigration). Some may think that they’ll still cross the border but not if we give them Las Vegas. Plus, the way we’re screwing over the Native Americans AGAIN by giving land to Mexico that was rightfully owned by the Native Americans is just so offensive its hilarious.

And Vacation World will solve many, many arguments about where to go on vacation. Somewhere warm? Hawaii. Somewhere cold? Hawaii, because you’ll get in a fight and end up there anyway. And Old Land? Fuck, I didn’t have to do anything. They just move there by themselves. I still have to pay the Elderly Collection Task Force though….

My landlord declared war on everyone in my apartment complex last month, and I must say, it is not a war he can win. How dare he accuse us of leaving bags of garbage in the stairway when its obvious that the cleaning crew is placing bags there to clean up for extra profit. Its a conspiracy. Some wars are fought with guns, nukes, even animals sometimes, but mine start(and usually finish) with a letter of correspondence. My most recent victory having two free extra shirts sent to me. When I taste victorious blood, I need more. So, Lord of the Land, let the blood wars begin:

click for larger image, god you're dumb

TAKE THAT!