Filed under: Real History
On June 12th, 1942, Anne Frank was given a diary for her thirteenth birthday, presumably because she drops a lot of shit, and you can’t destroy a diary by dropping it unless the place it is dropped is currently on fire. She unknowingly wrote one of the most important depictions of the frightening life of being a Jew during one of the darkest times in mankind’s history. This important diary was then given to every sophomore in high school, who then donated it to the nearby dumpster behind school where they smoke pot they bought from the janitor. But even they learned something about Anne Frank:
She was really fucking good at hide and seek. That is, until the Nazis came by the building they were hiding in and saw that the adjacent building already had their Christmas decorations up(earlier every goddamn year). The Nazis, trying to be nice, entered the building and insisted that they put their Christmas decorations up as well to send a message to their asshole neighbors(and that message was, “My ego is measured by my electricity bill, and its a big fucking bill”). Nazis love Christmas, and they love to help. When they went up to the attic though, their eyes were stunned. They had one beautiful attic. All other attics were shit compared to the beautiful workmanship of this fine storage space. Oh, and there were Jews hiding up there. The Nazis hate Jews(but c’mon, everyone hates some group of people, like my hate for Greenpeace). “This shit ain’t Kosher,” said Jim the Nazi(despite the fact that they actually were). The rest is history, unbeknownst to sophomore high school students though.
So let’s celebrate the glorious day that Anne Frank turned thirteen and used her birthday present to chronicle the longest game of hide and go seek before Osama Bin Laden pretty much decided to walk into that little girl’s room and steal the trophy right off her shelf(presumably then placing it next to his trophy for most 9/11′s caused(side note: he had someone accept the award on his behalf because, you know, he was the most wanted person in the world(side note 2: besides Natalie Portman, of course))).
So hot, its illegal.
You played one hardcore game of hide and go seek, persuading others around the globe to piss off America and try to top your record. So, in other words, Anne Frank caused 9/11. On this day, thank her for the gratuitous pat downs at the airport, America’s hate towards anyone brown, President Bush getting elected for a second term, the entire Middle East conflict, the abolishment of even the idea of individual privacy, and much, much more.
On this day, remember what Anne Frank did to our country.
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