DoubleButterNipples

Real History with Chauvinist Bird President

Chauvinist Bird President knows everything about the world. Therefore, he will regularly appear to continue a billion year-long argument that no other countries should exist besides the United States of America. It’s a feature I call, “Real History with Our Chauvinist Bird President.” This week, he’ll enlighten us with the real story of America’s discovery.

America was the best discovery the world has ever known. The only problem was that some people refused to let us make it better: greedy Native Americans. For centuries they loafed around, getting high and dressing inappropriately until someone decided that it was time for them to clean up their selfish acts or get the fuck out. Who was that person? Well that’s a stupid question because you know damn well that it was George Washington. People don’t know this because as children, our teachers pour us bowl after bowl of bullshit-o’s.

The discovery of America brings to mind pilgrims, the Mayflower, and some fictional rock(more like Fibbith Rock, am I right?). The real story was that Washington first lived around 65 million years ago. God decided that the dinosaurs had it too good for too long, but what God didn’t expect was that before he could even think of the perfect dinosaur-genocide-machine, George simply exploded into existence right above where Washington D.C. would have been on the super-continent Pangea. Upon his first few seconds on Earth, volcanos exploded, comets rained down from the sky, and a tidal wave of pure hate(and some water) raped the land. His work was done in like 14 seconds. Everything was dead. He then turned his finger to the sky and yelled to God, “Leave this place! You are not needed here!” God was all like, “Cool,” and he exploded too. With his work finished, ‘ol George laid down and awaited his 65 million year slumber.

So, when Native Americans(which is a false description of them because George Washington is technically the only Native American) decided to dance around on drugs and have sex with buffalo, he was understandably pissed off. Completely fossilized underground, he clawed his way through solid rock and emerged to the surface. He could have just appeared there, but he needed a good warmup after 65 million years of sleep. Upon surfacing, he saw them. They didn’t appreciate his gifts. Washington allowed buffalo to exist so his children could eat, not to have sex with them. He let forests grow so his children could cut them down for fun, not to respect them. But worst of all, they were not sufficiently covering their genitals. Their (inferior to Washington’s)shafts were whipping around, left and right, up and down….just staring him in the eye. No one stares Washington in the eye, especially someone’s ugly DNA gun.

He cursed them all with impotence, as it was funnier than simply killing them all. For years he simply strutted around, gathering enough of his genetic material to play Johnny Appleseed when they all died and turned into ash. This posed a problem. There was ash everywhere. Well, Washington collected all of the ash and threw it into space. The ash particles orbited around Earth and eventually turned into the moon. So it was finally time to start America. He threw his seed all over the land and on July 4^th, 1776, Americans grew from the very ground in which he slumbered and America was born.

So don’t believe propaganda like “Pocohontas” and history books. Come to this segment weekly for some goddamn truth.

Sincerely,

Chauvinist Bird President

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