Filed under: Our World Solved
Today it is June, arguably the worst month for holidays. With Memorial Day over and July 4th out of reach, all we have to look forward to is…
14th Flag Day: Started in 1916 by Woodrow Wilson when he woke up and proclaimed, “No one respects the goddamn flag anymore,” this day celebrates the adoption of the U.S. Flag and the anniversary of my rejection letter from the U.S. Government when I submitted my idea for a new flag:
Alternate Title: "America, because fuck Europe"
19th Father’s Day: The prequel to July 4th, only less fun. Like the 4th though, a father spends hours in front of a dangerous flame cooking half a bison to feed the unappreciative children he probably didn’t even father. Yeah, thanks for the 39 cent card you bought at Walgreens an hour ago falsely leading me to believe there is money inside(which would be nice because I just bought a fucking bison). Instead, turn the tables on THEM by wrapping up a bunch of garbage and giving it to your children as a present. When they open it and it spills all over the place, yell at them and throw in a nice, “Now clean this shit up,” like a real father and moonwalk out of there like a boss.
21st Summer Begins: Summer technically starts on the 21st despite my measuring system that has summer beginning about two weeks ago when apartment stoops all over Chicago are hit by a plague of unwelcome guests. That’s right…whiny white kids from the suburbs playing acoustic guitar outside because everyone totally wants to hear the latest social commentary you provide in the songs by your band, the We-All-Still-File-As-Dependents-On-Our-Taxes. WAS FADOOT will be at every coffee shop in the world on open mic night, ready to stand up and fight society’s problems as long as a potential sex partner is watching.
So its agreed. All of these holidays are as awesome as the discovery of cancer-aids. What are we to do about it? Coffee shop activism can only go so far. Well, over the next two weeks, I’ll propose a few holidays. You will vote, and I will send handwritten letters to elected officials requesting the adoption of said holiday.
Or be a real patriot and don’t vote.
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