DoubleButterNipples

Shirt Watch

An injustice is being performed right now and like I’ve said many times before, where the fuck is George Washington when you need him(especially when I’m trying to get a look alike to film Kill Bill Washington)? I ordered two shirts off of teesbox.com out of the UK, oppressors from our past. When did I order them? January 9th. In two days, it will be February 9th. So, after two attempts to get straight answers from the Redcoats across the sea, they didn’t respond so I was forced to send them a new letter:

This is my third time contacting teesbox, and I still have no estimated date my shirts would be here. I am shirtless right now, and its the middle of winter in Chicago. That is your fault. We just had a historical blizzard that shut down the city for at least a day, and here I am…shirtless. My order number is 51447, but you might as well just print this letter, and then throw it away which is what I assume you do to your overseas customers. Had I known that standard shipping meant my shirts were coming overseas aboard the Mayflower, I would have swallowed my pride and paid the extra few dollars to ensure that I would be well-clothed at a reasonable time.

Why are you doing this to me? What have I done so wrong that it inspired rage and anger into your cold, black hearts? For every day you don’t respond, there will be a newly crafted letter for you to read about how dissatisfied I am and how I will start to demand you pilot an aircraft to lower the package directly to my window.

“But Steve, Jason Fenlon already contacted you to say your order was shipped on January 11th,” you will cry out as soon as you read this letter. But why, I ask you, does it now say my order was shipped on both January 11th and January 23rd? You are sending out a 300+ year old historical ship across the seas for ONE shirt?! Then sending it right back for a shirt that is identical but a different color?? What is going on?

When was it sent out?
When can I expect to receive it?
When will you update your shipping methods?(they lost 7 men on that last journey)
Why did you not respond to my last inquiry?
When will Jason Fenlon man up and respond to this one?
When will you stop hating America?
When will you start caring for the basic needs of all humanity?(You know, stuff like food, shelter, water, CLOTHING)
And dammit, when will I receive my goddamn shirts?

I am demanding answers not just for me, but for every American being unfairly treated by our British oppressors. There is obviously still some hard feelings about the Declaration of Independence over there(or as we call it, the Declaration of getting laid by more attractive women), so lets just put those aside and give me some answers, or I swear to Buddha that I’ll write up a new declaration that will spawn a new campaign of the Crusades that will wipe from your land all British humor that we Americans do not find funny. No “humor” plus the drab, gloomy skies above the UK will destroy your tourism as people will fly out and immediately return after saying, “That was as bad as that show The IT Crowd.” You are asking for an all-out internet culture war that will result in many having their feelings hurt about what was said about one another on some random message board. The emotional casualties will rival that of the greatest wars of humanity’s time on this earth.

Sincerely,

Steve Madonna

Will they respond? Will Steve Madonna get his shirts? A new war on customer service has been declared.

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