DoubleButterNipples

A Prophetic Visionary Predicts His Own Prophetic Powers

On December 2nd, 2008, a very pissed off person posted a resume on craigslist in hopes of getting a job and a legion of people online telling me how great I am…oh how the latter was sweet.  That person was most certainly not Jack Cleary, but me.  I posted it with the notion that the majority of my claims were indeed false(with the exception of my claim to have watched Juwanna Mann 18 times…I actually did).

The last three days, I have had two dreams that were frightening, but ultimately cool as fuck.  These dreams were about the end of the world, and they weren’t as creepy until I looked back at my resume almost a year ago and realized that I have predicted that I would be able to have prophetic visions of the apocalypse. And now, I can.

Why have I been chosen?  This is why I must be the most obvious option:  Three of my high school teachers told me I was going to hell, I love Three 6 Mafia, I had two apocalyptic dreams in three days(that’s .666 percent)(and it repeats, so I’m not rounding that shit to seven), and I have fucking dreams about the end of the world.  The first was on September 10th, and another on the 12th.

September 10^th:  Something Blows up When I’m Hiking through the Mountains and I Realize It Wasn’t My Trip Wire Bear Trap

This one is pretty short, but the explosion seemed so real from the look to the actual feeling of the rumble, it would have given Michael Bay a super boner.  I was walking through a tree-filled mountain area in the dark, when a giant nuclear explosion goes off.  It’s pretty far, and doesn’t come close to us.  Then another, then another, and then one more.  This last one hits what seems to be pretty far, until a couple seconds later when a wave of fire starts rolling over distant mountains, closer and closer.  I try to take refuge behind a hillside, and I can only see bright red and orange light getting brighter until I wake up.  Run for the hills should no longer be a phrase for fleeing to safety.

September 12^th:  Chicago is Fucking Destroyed and I Blame the Machine-Guns-For-Arms Centaur Robots

I only know awesome people, and those people know that I love anything dystopian, except for the show “The Colony” which sucked after 3 minutes.  This dream took place in dystopian Chicago and it was cooler than I could have ever imagined it to look, despite the fact that I was dreaming it, so I did actually imagine it myself.

ACT 1:  I’m Running Away From a Bipedal Robot with Machine Guns for Arms

I’m walking down the street with pillows and a bag of clothes.  In the street there are flipped cars, garbage and debris, buildings have crumbled to the ground but a lot of them were still standing.  There are still people around, some scavenging, some just walking around.  I’m just wondering what I’m doing, and I hear something a block down behind me.  What is it?  A fucking bipedal robot with machine guns for arms.  It’s pretty much got the shape of Bioshock’s Big Daddy, only it looks more like a mecha and has machine gun arms…and it’s fucking scary.  I take off with my shit as it starts shooting at me.  I’m just running down the street trying to lose this thing until I see a dried up retention pond in the middle of fucking Chicago.  Considering everyone is dumb as hell when they are in a dream, I look past the fact that no Chicagoan would dare leave a patch of grass larger than a couple feet go unpaved, and I roll down the grassy hillside.  It only goes down a couple feet, but it’s big enough to keep me hidden.  I rolled right next to some guy who I didn’t talk to.  It’s nice to know that I will still refrain from talking to someone even in a life-threatening situation.  The Robo-Centaur walks into the retention pond with its flood light on.  Just then, I realize I have a flashlight in my hands, even though I don’t use it.  It starts searching around and sees a couple walking through the field and runs over to them, creating another giant hole in the woman’s body using only an arm-mounted gattling gun and probably armor piercing bullets(yes, the first hole was her vagina).  It then throws the guy and that’s when I throw a flashlight at it.  Why?  I don’t fucking know, but it looks over at me and the guy next to me and goes after the guy.  I ran and eventually got away.  That’s when I ended up in a lot next to an apartment complex.

ACT 2:  I Thought the Hancock Building Sucked Too

These people are sitting around a tire and I try to make conversation.  I don’t remember what they said, but I started to put my pillows and bags in the trunk of a broken down car until I ask them where they’re staying.  “Well, we usually just stay at the ruins,” says some girl, probably asian…hopefully asian.  “Well,” I said, “would you mind if I stayed with you guys?”  “Sure, but where not coming back here tonight to get your stuff.”  So I pick up my pillows out of the trunk because if there’s one thing I hate about the end of the world, it’s not having proper neck support.  We head out and start walking through Chicago when I just have to say something, “Guys, I don’t want to be like weird or creep you out, but what year is it…I just don’t know.”  They all laugh, and one guy answers.  The only thing I remember from his answer was the word “generation” but his response left me knowing it was kind of far into the future.  Next thing I can remember is that I am in this apartment, really high up in the sky, high enough to be almost level with the top of the Hancock building.  Someone mentions that they are going to go check out some abandoned oriental mansion, so I’m just assuming they were going to the broken down Panda Express.  That’s when I get on a cell phone because when a city gets destroyed, you can still get calls from T-Mobile telling you your bill is overdue.  I say on the phone, “I think this is a dream..” and people on the couch start laughing.  I started feeling a rumble, and I looked out the window to see the top of the Hancock building exploding.  Then the whole tower blows up, followed by other buildings in a domino effect coming straight towards the apartment I was in.  Then, I woke up.

So when my dreams put together another scene from our impending rape of humanity, I will update.  The world hates mountains, and it hates Chicago.  I’m going to find out why.  I’m coming up with a plan, and a bunch of theories because goddammit, I don’t want to have to carry a bunch of pillows around with me…especially in Chicago being chased by a fucking machine gun-armed robot centaur that can run at the speed of a Kenyan track star.

I’m saving this world, and I’ll sleep 18 hours a day if I have to.

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